We're back! (Just like him!)
The start of the Fall 2009 Zog football season is only days away. As training camp is in full gear, I thought I would give a quick introduction to some of key free agent acquisitions that we've made during the past off-season. They are all expected to contribute immediately to our probable championship run.
- Chris aka "They call me Elmer 'cuz my hands are like glue" - Signed for 4 hockey pucks
Younger brother of Ronny "ButterHands," Chris rejected a professional hockey contract from the New York Islanders to play with us. He described it as an easy decision as the Islanders "are no better than the local 12 year old Aviator team that my brother Matt plays on." Unswayed by the promise of riches and fame, he decided that the aggressive and violent sport of touch football would better suit his competitive nature and skills. Counted on to be a dominating force on the line and long/jump ball situations, Chris will be a legitimate contender for the Most Valuable Ryan award. He will definitely be among the team's leader for dropped passes, pass deflections, and ridiculously-insane-how-the-heck-did-you-catch-that catches.
- Elaina aka "I'm on a boat and I gotta go (score touchdowns)" - Signed for a ball of yarn
After taking a season off to help fix the financial systems and reform banks, in particular Bank of America, Elaina brings her tough attitude and swarming defense back to the team. With high level competitive experience in bar trivia and boche, she will undoubtedly add some much needed finesse and strategic thinking to our team. In addition, the sight of matching lavender socks and headband the she knitted herself will strike fear into the hearts of our opponents.
- Coen aka "Sully touched me and it wasn't kosher" - Signed for promise of sexy time
Returning to his native lands after exile in Boston, Coen is looking to recapture his glory days from Houston Street football. Naturally talented with height, Coen will be expected to win jump ball situations against the girls from opponent teams all over the field. In addition, armed with a deadly over the top two-seamer, he looks to add some spice and fire to the team and challenge Matt for the QB position, which is essentially a Dartmouth vs Dartmouth cage match to the death. At the very least, he should have pre-existing on-field
- Lainas aka "Jimmy Muscles Slouvaki" - Signed for halal combo platter
A castoff from the Greek Olympic baseball team after the sport was cut from the event, Lainas looks to start a 2nd career and 2nd life outside of his native habitat of Narrows Avenue. Known for
- Lance aka "I'm not a player I just crush a lot" - Signed for promise of destroying people
A star and standout Hall of Famer from the now defunct Houston Football League, he had these words to say when he signed his contract:
"I had a dream last night, a dream of touch football glory...spiking in foe's faces, robot'ing in the end zone, dropping some ginger douche who thinks he can step onto the same field as us. I hope to improve on my all-time competitive football record of 13W and 24L with this squad, while making a name for myself in Zog Sports touch football. As of today I will be starting a training regimen with a diet of only raw eggs, cottage cheese and under-cooked red meat. I will be running with a tire around my waist a la Manny Ramirez 1992 up and down the streets of the East Village...punishing hippies as they cross my path."
In addition to his fiery passion and intensity, he also had this to say about the competition in training camp:
"Fuck you Lainas, I'm going to drop your ass next time I see you."
Enough said. A competitor. And a winner.
Get excited.
holy jesus fucking christ
ReplyDeletei just want to say that I am excited to be back playing foot ball - even though we ALL SAID we were going to playkickball this fall. But whatevs, I'm over it.
ReplyDeleteStill working on the knitted headbands.
Also it's spelt bocce not boche.
Le fin